Friday, March 27, 2015

Being A Trend

It was bad enough in the late 80's/early 90's that everybody was all crazy about Asians (THANK YOU Tia Carrera!). Someone would become interested in me because of the way I looked, namely "Asian", and be very interested in the exotic young woman named Tracie. Then they would hear me speak - and THAT was decidedly NOT Asian.  And then inevitably, they began to see the real person. And, inevitably I became uncool.

Now, it's all the rage to be gray. I stop dying my hair back in my late 20s early 30s because I really got tired of doing it. My hair grows at a rate that would make dandelions jealous. One day I would dye that white strip down the center of my head a nice shade of brown or black, and then five hours later I would have a new stripe of white - no kidding it's almost that fast.



So, eventually I just let it go. I cut all my hair off and let it grow out natural. Over the years I've had many many comments:

"That can't be your real hair!" It is.

"Oh my gosh, how did you get your hair so white?" I might be tempted to say teenagers.

"Who is your stylist, I can still can't seem to get that color of gray without damaging my hair." And I sigh and know if I tell them they can't they'll argue with me.

And then in whispers I hear, "that's not really her hair color, my stylist can get that exact same color out of a bottle." (No, you can't)



I want to tell people the only thing that turned my hair white was time and DNA. But they never really believe me. I think it's great that these young ladies want grey hair! I suppose it's a nod to us that had it before it was cool - they're trying to be like us. (At least that's what I'm telling myself).

However now I find them looking at me in sort of a "welcome to the club" kind of look and I want to look at them and go, "No b!tch, I had this first stop copying me!"

But I don't. I just smile back and I nod as if I'm grateful to be accepted into the Cool Kids Club. Even though when it's no longer cool, I'll just go back to looking like a really young grandma and they have no idea that I was one of the thousands of women that actually helped create it.

You're welcome yunguns!


Friday, March 20, 2015

Days 3, 4 and 5. No Dairy or Carbs (processed carbs)

In case you haven't guessed already, Days 3, 4 and 5 haven't been awesome. 

First a little cheat.  Then a bit larger and I just now ate a slice of pizza. Stuffed crust no doubt. 

I want to blame JMan, because he left it on the table in front of me. That would be SO MUCH EASIER. But I can't. This is totally on me being unable to say no.

On top of it, weigh-in's have me gaining a pound and a half over the past 5 days.

I don't understand. I just don't get it.  I'm pretty disappointed in myself.

My next visit will be to the wonderstore of stores - Amazon.  I am going to look for some books on meal planning for families. It has to be that I'm eating too much, or the wrong things - something! How can I avoid carbs (mostly), drink lots and lots of water, and avoid dairy altogether and GAIN weight???

So depressing.

So I won't continue to depress you - I'll be back with an update tomorrow.  

Sad Fat Panda out...


Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Day two: torture upon torture

Well day two started off well, I had eggs for breakfast and coffee, and studiously avoided even looking at the bread selections in my pantry. Although I felt them looking at me forlornly as if I somehow, neglected them. By the time I got into my living room I felt very guilty and very hungry. Still, I persisted, and I did not eat the bread. Though I think it does think that I've neglected it now. Instead of me It has availed itself upon my husband who ate it hungrily.

And that's what I've taken to doing, making carbs seem like it is some living thing that has feeling that makes me feel guilty for not eating it! Oh what has my life come to?

In all reality, it was really really difficult yesterday not to eat carbs. I was hungry pretty much all day. For lunch, I had a really really good chicken breast with mango salsa, some edamame and a really nice glass of tea.

Dinner was harder though, we went out to eat and I forgot that I wasn't having carbs and ate chips. Ah well. I only had four before my daughter called me out on it. The steak was fabulous, and veggies were excellent, though the asparagus was a little undercooked a little too tough for my taste. When I got home I really want to eat something sweet as everybody else at the table had some kind of dessert, so I opted for some cantaloupe which wasn't as sweet as it could've been but not too bad.

So that was my day yesterday: Not terrible, but not awesome either. I did manage to do some yardwork yesterday to keep my mind off eating, and I think I decimated half a bag of carrots just to get my munchies fix in. Today I am starting off the day much better but that's tomorrow's post hopefully you'll be able to use some of my recipes in your no carb/low carb/no dairy diet.

 I will weigh myself every other day so no weight for today.

See you guys tomorrow! Just 12 more days to go!

Monday, March 16, 2015

Day 1 - No dairy or carbs OMG

Well, I made a decision that today I would start no carbs and no dairy. Basically, I'm not going to not eat something if it has dairy or carbs in it, say creamer for my coffee or a little bit of breading on that last half a bite of the chicken nugget that my child in need.

However I will not be making myself a bagel, I will not be eating ice cream, I will be avoiding cereal (waaaaaaaaa) I will not be eating all of the things that bring me much much happiness.

I'm doing this because I'm tired of being heavy, and everything I read says that carbs in Derry tend to keep weight on me. So this is going to be my 14 day trial. I'll update daily, sometimes more if I'm having a really rough day and we'll go from there.

So, for day one, I've already failed. I had two chicken nuggets both of which were breaded, I had milk in my coffee,and I had three pretzel sticks, 4 goldfish and a tiny, teeny weenie bite of a bagel.

I'm starving. Water is just not filling me up and I can't seem to WAKE up. Sluggish, slow, lethargic and HUNGRY.

I will get one day in at a time.

Today's weight: 168


Holy mackerel Batman this is going to be difficult.

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Weight Loss Stuff

So today I decided to just begin jotting down a few words a day on my struggle to lose weight or at least get healthy.  It's close to the new year celebration, so I'm not quite out of the holiday eat-your-weight-in-terrible-choices season, but I know I will be soon and I'll be joined at the gym by hundreds of folks that will disappear around mid-january/Feb.  I'll work out at home until then.

So. TODAY.  Today I ate craptastically. I did have a salad.  But it was a cobb salad adn It had eggs, blue cheese, cheddar cheese, avocado, nuts, etc.  I also had two waffles. Oh, and too much at dinner (dinner at my sisters).  Sigh.

But I did get in 20 minutes of a good vigorous walk/jog on the treadmill only allowing one break when I thought I was getting dizzy.

So that's my day.  Not awesome but not the worst day. No candy or - woops. Yep. I did have pie.

Well at least there was 20 minutes in there.

I'll try again tomorrow.

Still 173.  :/

Monday, December 29, 2014

Day One of - well the millionth Day One

It's not REALLY a day one. It's just today. But like many, I will soon be faced with a barrage of "...so what are your resolutions" questions.  To be clear:

I have NO resolutions.
  • I will NOT resolve to lose X lbs. by X date.
  • I will NOT resolve to have [crazywonderful] job by this time next year.
  • I will NOT resolve to make better choices
  • I will NOT resolve to go the gym 3 times a week.
  • I will NOT resolve to be more patient with my relatives.
  • I will NOT resolve to be more organized.
Why? Because there has been countless broken resolutions over the decades. If they were tangible, by January 15 there would be more garbage strewn about than on the ground in New York in Times Square on January 2.  No landfill would be able to accommodate the amount of forgotten good intentions, slyly dumped resolutions, and broken promises set out to the curb after life gets back in the way again.

So no, I will NOT be resolving to do anything for the rest of the year.

What I will do is each day get up and do my best. Each day will be Day One.  Each day will be a new day to try and get it right. Maybe put a new practice into motion. Maybe Day One of exercise. Maybe Day One of eating healthier. OR, maybe Day One of being good to myself and not stressing out about society's images.

I will wake each day and live my life, this I know will happen.  I know I'll keep striving to be a better person, this is what I do and have done always so I know this will continue.  I really believe that's all we can do.

But I won't be making any promises that I can't know if I'll be able to keep, least of all to myself.  I don't know if I can exercise every day. If I can't make a day I and I've "resolved" to, I'll feel guilty and like a failure.  I just will do my best.

Good or bad, promising or not - I will do each day like a Day One.

Maybe I'll make it to Day Two eventually, but I'm not making any promises.

Happy New Year!  

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Somewhere in the middle. A whinging post......

I'm right in the middle.

It's been this way for awhile I've noticed. I straddle the line politically, spiritually and now I sit here firmly in middle age gaining weight in the middle.

I'm also a middle child.

Now I understand the term "middling". I am the definition of that.

The trouble comes for me not in defining myself, but and I'm ashamed to say this, in appreciating myself physically.

I have been a "love the skin you're in" person most of my life. I am a firm believer that beauty comes from within no matter your shape, your size, or your weight.  I find that right now my own philosophy is challenging me.  I struggle EVERY DAY to look in the mirror and not be disgusted with what I see and I wonder, does this utter hatred come truly from me or all that we as women are subjected to?

Don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with large people. I don't. I don't care what my friends look like, this is how I feel when I look in the mirror.  I know what I used to look like and my struggle to even get a step in that direction is like walking through set concrete, I haven't.

I have slowed/drastically reduced carbs = nothing.  I have eaten more protein and drank more water = nothing.  I have been working out (although I will say thaat i've been slacking for two weeks) and guess what? NOTHING  I haven't even lost a single portion of a pound.  I am firmly at the same weight I have been for months. MONTHS.  One hundred sixty five pounds.

For those of you keeping track, for a 5'3 person, this puts me less than a point under the obese scale and at the very top of overweight.  That's not the middle!
   
http://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/educational/lose_wt/BMI/bmicalc.htm

It's very hard for someone like me to hear everyone around them tell them they aren't overweight.  That I don't look a certain way. That I don't need to be so hard on myself. That I just had a baby! That it's hormones.  That it's [insert thing to make me feel better here].

*sigh* look. I get it. I know why those things are said. And yes, I appreciate that they are said. But it makes me feel even more confused about myself.

I look in the mirror and I see what I see. I don't like it.  I don't like how I'm shaped. I don't like how I fit in my clothes. I don't WANT new clothes, I want to wear the ones I already own. I don't like how I feel, I don't like how I feel when J-Man and I are snuggled up, I don't like anything about this body that I'm currently wearing. I feel too large, too out of shape, too uncomfortable.

I went on to NIH and pulled that scale up there and felt somewhat better and simultaneously worse. Better because I KNEW I was massively overweight and worse because, well, I'm massively overweight for me.

I have a trainer, I try to eat right and keep active.  I am also still breastfeeding some.  All of these things should have me in the thin but - no. I'm not even in the healthy.

So I have to wonder - what is it about me that makes me hate myself so much? Is it the fact that all of the ads out there look like teenage females?  Or that no clothes fit me? I'm in the middle remember - right at the tippy top of sizes for regular clothes, and not even IN the plus size. Regular clothes aren't cut for me and neither are plus size clothes? (another blog on clothing for us Middling Middlers coming).

Not only that but why do my friends and family keep telling me my feelings about myself are wrong when EVERY.SINGLE.ADVERTISEMENT is meant for women my daughter's size?  They don't make a world for women like me.

Think about these things, even the very words sound negative:

Mom jeans.
Mom Butt.
She's got a pretty face!
She just had a baby.
Moms wearing yoga pants.
Step.
Skinny Cow.
Support Bra.
Curvy.
Padded.
"something to hold on to/snuggle up with/grab on to" (<---because THATS what I want to be, some man's teddy bear/sex toy)
Phat
Dat Ass.

Are you hearing what I'm hearing? That rounded is good, but only so much. Have some padding but don't be fat.  Have a big butt, but be thin.

IS ANY OF THIS EVEN POSSIBLE AT 40????

UGH.  There is no real point to this except that either society or myself, possibly both, needs to adjust the view on what is attractive, because I certainly can't compete with anything out there right now.

As I just recently said to a dear friend, about 3 seconds ago, "When did my body become not ME anymore? I feel like I've been overtaken by something else and can do nothing about it".

*sigh*





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