It's been this way for awhile I've noticed. I straddle the line politically, spiritually and now I sit here firmly in middle age gaining weight in the middle.
I'm also a middle child.
Now I understand the term "middling". I am the definition of that.
The trouble comes for me not in defining myself, but and I'm ashamed to say this, in appreciating myself physically.
I have been a "love the skin you're in" person most of my life. I am a firm believer that beauty comes from within no matter your shape, your size, or your weight. I find that right now my own philosophy is challenging me. I struggle EVERY DAY to look in the mirror and not be disgusted with what I see and I wonder, does this utter hatred come truly from me or all that we as women are subjected to?
Don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with large people. I don't. I don't care what my friends look like, this is how I feel when I look in the mirror. I know what I used to look like and my struggle to even get a step in that direction is like walking through set concrete, I haven't.
I have slowed/drastically reduced carbs = nothing. I have eaten more protein and drank more water = nothing. I have been working out (although I will say thaat i've been slacking for two weeks) and guess what? NOTHING I haven't even lost a single portion of a pound. I am firmly at the same weight I have been for months. MONTHS. One hundred sixty five pounds.
For those of you keeping track, for a 5'3 person, this puts me less than a point under the obese scale and at the very top of overweight. That's not the middle!
It's very hard for someone like me to hear everyone around them tell them they aren't overweight. That I don't look a certain way. That I don't need to be so hard on myself. That I just had a baby! That it's hormones. That it's [insert thing to make me feel better here].
*sigh* look. I get it. I know why those things are said. And yes, I appreciate that they are said. But it makes me feel even more confused about myself.
I look in the mirror and I see what I see. I don't like it. I don't like how I'm shaped. I don't like how I fit in my clothes. I don't WANT new clothes, I want to wear the ones I already own. I don't like how I feel, I don't like how I feel when J-Man and I are snuggled up, I don't like anything about this body that I'm currently wearing. I feel too large, too out of shape, too uncomfortable.
I went on to NIH and pulled that scale up there and felt somewhat better and simultaneously worse. Better because I KNEW I was massively overweight and worse because, well, I'm massively overweight for me.
I have a trainer, I try to eat right and keep active. I am also still breastfeeding some. All of these things should have me in the thin but - no. I'm not even in the healthy.
So I have to wonder - what is it about me that makes me hate myself so much? Is it the fact that all of the ads out there look like teenage females? Or that no clothes fit me? I'm in the middle remember - right at the tippy top of sizes for regular clothes, and not even IN the plus size. Regular clothes aren't cut for me and neither are plus size clothes? (another blog on clothing for us Middling Middlers coming).
Not only that but why do my friends and family keep telling me my feelings about myself are wrong when EVERY.SINGLE.ADVERTISEMENT is meant for women my daughter's size? They don't make a world for women like me.
Think about these things, even the very words sound negative:
She's got a pretty face!
She just had a baby.
Moms wearing yoga pants.
"something to hold on to/snuggle up with/grab on to" (<---because THATS what I want to be, some man's teddy bear/sex toy)
Are you hearing what I'm hearing? That rounded is good, but only so much. Have some padding but don't be fat. Have a big butt, but be thin.
IS ANY OF THIS EVEN POSSIBLE AT 40????
UGH. There is no real point to this except that either society or myself, possibly both, needs to adjust the view on what is attractive, because I certainly can't compete with anything out there right now.
As I just recently said to a dear friend, about 3 seconds ago, "When did my body become not ME anymore? I feel like I've been overtaken by something else and can do nothing about it".